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Ohiogirl8952 Profile
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Registered: 10-2017
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I need help


Not even sure where to begin. I have been here before. Years ago. I had an affair with my hs sweetheart 11 years ago. Then 2 more. My dh knows about all of them. I thought we were in a good place now. I thought I was😟 But I'm not. I went fishing for the highschool sweetheart. And he bit. We talked Friday night. He told me how he misses me. How I lok beutiful in my pictures. How he thinks of me and dreams of me. He told me he loves me. We promised to talk today but he has not replied. A blessing I know.

It ended badly before. His wife found out. We ended it. Not really wanting to I suppose. But we did. Now here it is 11 years later and he loves me. He says.

My dh is kind, forgiving, strong. He is also quiet, emotionless unless I shake things up, and I feel invisible. He cant perform in bed either.

So here I am hoping JAM texts me. And hoping he doesnt. I have been thru therapy. I have been thru hell caused by my mistakes. My life is numb, boring, ignored.

I thrive on attention. I got a high from jam's words. That he thinks of our memories. Of my face. My body.

So here I am again. Tons of self hate. I havent done anything but talk to him but if dh knew? Well, who knows. I feel a lot of resentment that I have cheated 3 times and he still hangs in there. Like a doormat. Do I want my marriage to end? I honestly dont know but my gut says no, deep down.

I am just so lost.
10/10/2017, 1:17 pm Link to this post Email Ohiogirl8952   PM Ohiogirl8952 Blog
 
markscloud Profile
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Re: I need help


Hi OhioGirl,
I just want to say hold on and one of the members will reach out to you soon.

I am not suppose to be posting on here since I am still involved in a long time affair. But I check in frequently.

I just hate to see someone asking for help and no quick replies. Hopefully he does not respond to you and you get back on track.
I have no answers.

MC


10/10/2017, 9:39 pm Link to this post Email markscloud   PM markscloud Blog
 
Birdsong55 Profile
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Re: I need help


Dear Ohio,

Does your HS sweetheart--your AP--plan to leave his wife (assuming he's still married)? Do you plan to leave your husband? It kind of all comes down to that. And are there children involved?

Because the thing about an A is that reality doesn't enter into it, so you have that kind of courtship behavior for as many years as you want (that is, until a D-day), but you'll never get past that. But you already know that.

You're always at your best when you see him. With emails and texts, you're always in charge of how you present yourself, and when you meet in person your teeth are always brushed and it's always exciting.

And then you come home and realize that you can't allow yourself to think about it or talk about it, like, until the lights go out and you can lie in bed and reimagine the day (or in my case, the maybe one hour). But that's all you get. And he goes home and does the same thing. And the terror of someone seeing you, or your H finding out--there's nothing quite like that terror. I remember a couple of panic attacks around that. I remember wondering all the time, and having to think about, who might have seen what, who might have an inkling, what do they think of me, are they saying anything to anyone else I know? It's exhausting, keeping the security system going.

And as you know, you can carry on that way for years, but it never gets past that fantasy point. Eventually the little window you've made for yourselves gets smaller and smaller.

I think it's an addiction.

My A lasted for almost 8 years and it really never changed. Now that i'm not in it anymore, I realize that I can't trust who I thought he was, and likely the same for him with me. That I had to pretend I didn't care about him when we saw each other in public. That I had to act dismissive of him if his name came up in conversation with my husband. Who knows what he did at his own house?

You have to lie to survive, in that game, and eventually you realize that you don't know anymore what was true and what was a lie.

Every time I said, I'll never leave you, I knew it was a lie.

Eventually the lie gets exposed and you have to jump one way or another.

Have you tried counseling with your husband? It doesn't sound like you want to leave him, but it sure sounds as if you need something more from him than you're getting.

I found that when my A ended, my H was so happy to have any attention from me, that it was like watering a plant that was dying.

Please keep writing to us and let us know where you are. WE ARE STILL HERE.

--Birdsong
10/11/2017, 2:59 pm Link to this post Email Birdsong55   PM Birdsong55 Blog
 
Justkim2007 Profile
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Re: I need help


Hi and welcome to you, Ohiogirl. I'm sorry for the reason you are here, but I'm happy that you reached out for help. Sometimes, that's a hard step to take, so I am happy that you took it.

So...let's talk for a minute, okay?


Did you end up talking on Tuesday, like he said you would?

How long did the NC last between the two of you? Both spouses found out and the affair ended - how long had it been since you had talked/messaged since the spouses found out?

How are you feeling today, right now? Happy because you did talk on Tuesday and you got a "fix"? Anxious because you didn't talk and now wondering if/when he'll reach out? Where are you at today - and how much of your mood today has been dependent on this man?

I know, I said let's talk and then bombarded you with questions, as is my way. emoticon

But, since you've been in this place before mentally...you know that it's a place of baby steps and small bites to start with. So, we'll start out slow. emoticon

Please hang in with us, though sweetie. You don't have to try to go through all of this alone.

xo

Kim


10/12/2017, 10:21 am Link to this post Email Justkim2007   PM Justkim2007
 
Ohiogirl8952 Profile
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Re: I need help


Hi there and thank you for your replies. I am much better today. Xap was supposed to text me Tuesday. He did, just long enough to say his wife was home and he would talk to me the next day.

I knew it then. That he would ghost on me. And he did. Thank heavens.

Our short messaging last Friday night threw me into a tailspin. Excited. Depressed. Scared. And thinking about him and what I would do.

The bigger question is why did I fish? What is inside me that feels the need to do this?

Kim, xap and I had an affair 11 years ago. My first. It lasted 3 months. His wifes sister saw us and we were busted. I wasnt ready for the end. I had another affair 3 years after that with a coworker. And another affair with my neighbor 3 years after that. Ugh.

My hs sweetheart and I have not talked other than a random run in at walmart for 10 years. Of course I harbor fantasies that he is my soul mate, being my first love and all. We are just ill-fated. All that romantic crap.

Truth is my husband is my soul mate. He knows about all of the affairs. He held me while i cried over other men. He has trouble performing in bed. If your wife slept with 3 other men, wouldnt you?


We have 2 kids but will be empty nesters next fall. I dont want to lose him. I dont. But I have such animosity towards him. So much resentment. And, I crave attention.

Hs sweetheart is doing me a favor not texting. But I need to get my head right for when/if he or one of the others do. They all fish. Even me
10/12/2017, 12:53 pm Link to this post Email Ohiogirl8952   PM Ohiogirl8952 Blog
 
Justkim2007 Profile
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Re: I need help


Stay with us, sweetie. Every single one of us here has been through similar stuff - you aren't alone in this!

So...he ghosted. Which, to be honest, is pretty much what I thought you would say he did. Because see...talk is cheap, right? Easy enough for him to say all of the things you wanted to hear on Friday, right? Love you, miss you, dream of you, etc. etc. - he hit all of it, hit every single note to that song you've been dying to hear.

And - maybe he meant all of it when he said it. In that moment. But, so what? It didn't change anything. The words were there, but the actions were not. So although you are trying to attach some greater meaning to this - well, unfortunately, it doesn't really mean anything. Which...you probably know already, somewhere inside of you.

As far as why you fished...well, you know the answer to that one as well, right?

For validation. For an ego stroke. For a rush. Because you were bored, lonely, sad, angry, all of the above.

Here is a hard truth. And I am saying this as gently as I can, and I promise you that I intend no hurt to you, but...it's important.

You were feeling x, y or z - and you reached out to him to help you stop feeling x, y or z. You used him. You didn't think about how he might feel to hear from you, or whether or not it would hurt, or if his wife is monitoring his phone or computer still and maybe it would get him in trouble. You felt _____ [insert emotion here] - and you used him so that you wouldn't have to feel _____ in that moment.

I promise I'm not just dragging you here. It's just important to look at the things that led to the fishing behavior, otherwise we'll never be able to stop it. Dragging it all out into the light, despite the fact that it's not pretty, is the first step.


So...what was it you were feeling on Friday night? How long had you been feeling that way? What led up to it? Was it something external that happened or something internal?

I know all of this is hard. I do. But it will all be worth it. I know that too.

xo,

Kim


10/12/2017, 1:58 pm Link to this post Email Justkim2007   PM Justkim2007
 
whatwasithinking15 Profile
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Re: I need help


Do you have a counselor or the like to talk to? Sounds like counseling might be in order. You deserve better than the crumbs the exAP is tossing (mine tossed particles).

If he did contact you and the W found out, I am sure things will really hit the fan. You deserve better than that emoticon
10/13/2017, 6:57 pm Link to this post Email whatwasithinking15   PM whatwasithinking15 Blog
 


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