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Lalafalala Profile
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Registered: 12-2014
Posts: 65
Karma: 1 (+1/-0)
My Affair


I was involved in an A that lasted 6 years. Here is my story. I don't usually let myself think about the details of the R, but I feel like writing then down now, so I will warn you in advance...it's long. emoticon

I met XAP in high school. He went to a rival school and we were complete opposites (he was a bad boy and I was a goody two shoes), but somehow we became friends. We stayed in touch via email after graduation, when he joined the military and I went to college. We both married in our early 20s and were happy in our marriages until our early 30s. He served 2 terms of service in Iraq, and as a result, his M fell apart.

We had grown closer during his time abroad, emailing more frequently, but it never crossed any lines until after he divorced. He basically (subtly) asked me if I wanted to be with him, and I said no. I still felt committed to my marriage, and I was just a few weeks pregnant with my first child..the baby that had taken $70,000, 7 years, and 3 IVFs to conceive. Unfortunately, things fell apart quickly after my daughter was born. She was delayed, and we struggled hard that first year to figure out what was going on with her.

Eventually, we discovered that she had a very rare genetic syndrome that would impact her life forever. We also went through a bankruptcy that year when our real estate company went under. Even though XH and I loved each other very much, we both handled the stress of those few years differently, and we grew into different people.

After XAP propositioned me, we fell out of contact for about a year. I was busy with my pregnancy, and I didn't see him again until he came into my workplace to introduce me to his new wife. I was very surprised he had gotten married in less than a year from the end of his first M, but I liked his new W immediately.

Apparently, it was too quick because he was unhappy, and by that point, I was, too. We began texting and IMing all day long, and things became sexual after a few months. Our A was much more of a friendship than a romantic relationship. We were very, very close. For five years, we'd average about a thousand text messages a week to each other, usually just stupid stuff like gossip, stories about our lives, never anything mushy.

A few years into the A, I decided to get a D. My XH and I had separated once before during that time, but we both agreed we were ready to move on. I did not like the idea of betraying him even if the M was on its last leg. He is a really good person, and I knew he deserved somebody who could be faithful to him.

After my D, I began to spend a considerable amount of time with XAP, his W, his kids, and the other friends in our neighborhood (I just live a few blocks away from him). His W has always been wonderful to me. They would frequently have me over to dinner, and invite me to family and neighborhood parties. We would repay her kindness by having sex in the garage while she was asleep inside the house. I can't explain what I was thinking then. I don't know...

I did at one point ask AP to leave her to be with me, but I was half-hearted in my request. His W had told me how her first H had cheated on her and left her, breaking her heart. In the back of my mind, I worried that if he did leave her, she would try to kill herself, having to face that loss again.

He said no. He likes his life, their income, their habits, their family, and he cares about her and does not want her to be left alone like that again. I understood his reasons.

We tried to be just friends again. It worked for a while. I got into an distance R with another man, and although we were not physical, XAP and I stayed in constant daily contact like usual those two years.

I had a surprise pregnancy with the not-very-serious boyfriend, and after my son was born, everything changed. Having a baby made me remember my self-worth. It made me remember that I had responsibilities and that I needed to grow up.

This was last February. 2014 was a year of little break ups. I kept trying to push XAP out, but he was very persistent. After one break up in April, he began to act differently. He became more emotional, and he initiated the start of our sexual relationship again. I think he realized that he was losing me, and while I still enjoyed the sex immensely, I just couldn't do it anymore...any of it.

I had become pretty demanding. If he was there, I was wanting him to be what I needed, which was a real boyfriend. I didn't care anymore about scaring him away after so many years, and since I knew I was going to end it soon, anyway. He was trying pretty hard, but obviously it could not work. He had a W, 3 kids, a full time job, and an AP who was asking for a lot.

The final straw was nothing dramatic, not like I thought it would be. I hadn't seen him in a few weeks, and I told him that I missed him and wanted to see him that weekend sometime (either alone or with his family). He told me that Saturday and Sunday were packed, and that Friday would be the only possibility. I waited around all day to hear from that Friday, and he didn't message me until 11PM. I read his apology, deleted it, and blocked him on Facebook, email, and texting. I did not give him any notice, as I figured the six other times I had ended things the past year would probably be explanation enough for what I was doing lol.

It wasn't out of anger that I ended it. I was just tired. And also, the old me from years ago was coming out too much now. I hadn't grown up with low self esteem, and until my M began to fail, I had always had high standards for the people in my life, and for myself. I realized that those five years were a temporary phase, and that I hadn't turned into the person from those crazy days. It was passing.

That was December 5th, 2014. I still miss him, but it is tolerable. As we live in a small town, I see him in passing, and I wave and smile, but I have not initiated any communication since that date.

I have no doubt that we did sincerely love each other in our messed up way. He got me through some really rough times during those five years. I had the most amazing sex of my life with him. But I also took a devastating hit to my self-esteem. I got used to expecting very little from the person I loved. I did something extremely hurtful and deceitful to a person I cared about, and I am eternally grateful that she never discovered the A, especially when I think of how reckless we were.

That said, I would not change what happened. Sometimes, when the pain was unbearable, I would remember that movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and wonder if I could erase every memory of him, would I? Now I know that I wouldn't. It isn't out of sentimentality but instead it is because of the lessons I learned, and the perspective the A gave me.

This will be the last time I look back on the A in detail, because me eyes are now fixed forward.
 
1/25/2015, 1:44 am Link to this post Email Lalafalala   PM Lalafalala Blog
 




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