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Sassygirl
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Snooping
Hi, I am new here and finding it very helpful to read the "after" posts and see the progress made by others.
My affair started in September 2012 and I last slept with my now ex-ap in October 2014. We remained friends and in contact until the end of December 2014. January 2015 I confessed to my husband and my sister then contacted my ex-ap's common law spouse and told her he had been cheating for 2 years (my sister was bitter and angry as her partner just left her for another woman two months earlier and she felt his cl spouse had a right to know). My AP ended up messaging me, saying he was going to end it with her and that he wanted to be with me, however, 24 hours later he changed his mind. He chose to remain with her, which is the right thing to do.
I told my husband of the affair because I was tired of lying and tired of being hooked back in my by AP. I was prepared for my marriage to be over and figured that at least with him knowing this might be what it takes to stop me from going back to my AP. (I had tried ending several times during our second year but each time he gave me more of himself so that I would keep being there for him).
We were NC from January 4 to Feb 20 and then I texted him. It was a friendly chat and we haven't had contact since.
I need to block him on FB. I need to stop looking at his business's page (he does home improvement and last fall I encouraged him to put the before and after pics on his business page...he occasionally still puts them up). I need to stop looking.
I know I will never reach out to him again but I also know that continue to look for him online is still contact. It's still holding him in my heart and mind and I need to let him go.
Please tell me it gets easier. I have loved him for years. He was an ex lover from before I met my husband. I never stopped having a thing for him. I should have known better than to say yes to getting together.
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4/22/2015, 10:53 pm
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Justkim2007
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Re: Snooping
Hi Sassy - and welcome to the board!
Since you've been reading, you know that you are among friends here, and people who understand what you are dealing with. This is not an easy process, but as you can see, it is possible to get through the aftermath and come out the other side and be healthy, and happy again.
It absolutely gets easier. Not right away, and not without some bumps and bruises along the way - but it does get better. All of us can tell you that with certainty - it does get better.
I know that blocking him on FB feels like a big step - and it is. But, I think it is a necessary one for you, at this stage in your healing journey. I hope that you will go do that now - for your own sake, to remove that temptation at least. Would you do that now? I promise it will help, and that it will ultimately make you feel better.
Hugs,
Kim
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4/23/2015, 10:32 am
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FixingHelen
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Re: Snooping
Hi Sassy-welcome!
It will get easier, it takes time to heal, but it happens!
One thing I can say re: facebook blocking... It took me about 6 months to get there... But when I did, after an initial jolt, I felt a lot of relief! I no longer had to think about him when I posted anything-would he see it, comment or like it, what would he think? I felt like I reclaimed my space and freedom, for what that's worth on a social media site. It put more fun back into communicating with my friends and family without that shadow there.
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4/23/2015, 12:43 pm
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Sassygirl
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Re: Snooping
Thank you for the welcome and the support
I definitely need to block him and I need to do it today but I have this sick feeling in my stomach over it.
The weird thing is that I blocked him immediately after D-day and I felt that relief you speak of. At the time I did it because I wanted to block him before he could block me. I knew that otherwise I would always be checking to see when or if he unblocked me. For some reason (I think because I wanted contact) I unblocked both him and his wife and it was a day or two later that I texted him. In our text conversation he told me that he looked at my Facebook. I think knowing that he may still be looking for me is what makes it so much harder this time. He also has a business page which I have been looking at too. Do you know if there is a way to block a business page so I will stop looking for it?
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4/24/2015, 6:37 am
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RatherBeMe
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Re: Snooping
There is no magic to stop looking at Facebook. As long as it is there, and long as there is a switch to turn it back on, you hold all the power to it. The responsibility is all yours.
It's hanging on. Hanging onto the affair. You might just as well be texting, plotting, and trying to get back together.
There is no tapering off.
What is your goal? Is it to end the affair, or just cut back? At some point you have to decide what you want.
Tough questions, but no one can do anything without you. You control your own destiny.
--- We only miss what could have been.
I know I don't miss what really was.
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4/24/2015, 9:45 am
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Sassygirl
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Re: Snooping
The physical affair is over, and I know I won't be hearing from him ever again. But I guess I am still hanging on given my continued online creeping of his business and personal page.
I know it's all on me to end it. I also know I say I want the affair to be done because that is what makes sense. Continuing with something that is going no where makes no sense, yet if he contacted me today and said "I want to be with you" I would want to run to him. It is ridiculous. My heart isn't done yet, I just need it to catch up to my brain.
I wish it was as simple of just deciding to be done with it and have the emotions follow suit.
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4/24/2015, 1:04 pm
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Clairbear
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Re: Snooping
Hi Sassygirl
It does...it does...take time for the heart to reconcile with the brain. We all understand that.
As this point, you can only trust the process and know that, which each logical step you take, the heart will follow.
And the first logical step is to shut it all down. Otherwise, you are just pulling off the bandaid slowly and feeling ouch ouch ouch. Just (((rip))) that sucker off for that one big (((OUCH!!))). And come here and get the support you'll need. Then, and only then, can you begin to heal and put this behind you once and for all.
I envision an alcoholic trying to stay sober but with a picture of a big frosty mug of beer as his screensaver. How can he move on when he's constantly envisioning that from which he is trying to stay away.
You know it's up to you. And you also realize that you are causing your own pain. And that's the worse, imo...being the cause of our own pain. Haven't you had enough? And that is actually how it works, when you yourself decide enough is enough. I WILL stop...stop hurting myself.
You can do it! We were in your spot, and we all survived to share our story.
Be a survivor.
((hugs))
Clairbear
--- "Your mind is a garden, your thoughts are the seeds. You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds."
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4/24/2015, 1:50 pm
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Sassygirl
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Re: Snooping
Thank you Clair. I love that alcoholic analogy!
I am going to have to block him and then figure out a way to stop the compulsion to look at his work Facebook page. I was looking it up today and there is no way for me to block his business page...I just need to stop. I think I need addiction counselling. This feels worse than when I quit smoking. That was SO much easier!
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4/24/2015, 3:01 pm
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Sassygirl
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Re: Snooping
I blocked him on Facebook. Now I just have to make a choice each day to not look at his business page. I wish there was a way to block those too. Ugh.
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4/24/2015, 7:23 pm
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Clairbear
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Re: Snooping
Excellent! A giant step!!
You said it yourself, 'now I just have to make the choice.....'
And there are only two: You either keep yourself hostage, or, you set yourself free.
They both come with a cost too. One costs a continuous, never-ending pain, the other costs an ending pain, BUT that will be a healing pain and will not last forever. We promise.
Choose freedom, Sassygirl.
proud of you ((hug))
Clairbear
--- "Your mind is a garden, your thoughts are the seeds. You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds."
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4/24/2015, 7:46 pm
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