Miss7
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After!
I am kind of tip-toeing over here and softly knocking on the door, and I know I am a "flght risk" back to the ending side. But - I do believe, I am now here in the After. Today, I had some strange and unfamiliar feelings that I suspected were possibly acceptance?  I know it is over and for a few moments I felt at peace. I would like to keep that feeling!
I have work to do. Work that I can never do with a toxic presence. I am holding steady with no-contact and liking how I feel about it. So in the after, I still have to fight the little demons that creep in with contact-urges and remember, I am doing the best thing for myself by keeping away and keeping quiet! He is not reaching out to me so why the hell would I have anything to say to him.
So I will keep doing the work. I know that I wobble and maybe I will stumble and even if I break NC, I am still in the After. The affair is ended and done. And I know that in any given moment I am doing the best I can do in that particular moment. I don't feel hopeless anymore, I feel sad but in every moment, I want to help myself through.
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11/9/2015, 1:29 pm
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Justkim2007
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Re: After!
Hey Miss - welcome to the rest of your life! 
You made me laugh with your "flight risk" statement. LOL
I loved everything about your last paragraph, sweet pea.
I'm so happy that you want to help yourself. I wonder if maybe that was a part of the piece that was missing from your last ending? Anyway, I'm happy to hear that - and just keep trying to focus on that when you are having a sad moment or a down day, okay?
xo
Kim
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11/10/2015, 11:48 am
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Miss7
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Re: After!
Yeah it probably was part of that first ending. I remember I was in a much worse place at that time, I didn't care about consequences of any kind and I even rebounded into other situations. I am better than that now.
I guess when this kind of thing happens twice you realize it is just never going to have any different outcome so why delay the inevitable?
I am recognizing that it's all I was doing, delaying the hurt even though involvement hurt and was hellish every day, somehow it's better than getting nothing. It is a different kind of hurt. But I am feeling good about where I am now. We know I don't have the best track record but when I break it down to one day at a time, I can tackle each day and "put off" whatever it is I think I want to say to him just a little bit longer.
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11/10/2015, 5:09 pm
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RatherBeMe
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Re: After!
It sounds like you are on a better path. You sound like you have found the light, and are chasing some thing worth catch up to.
I was looking for an escape, which is what it sounds like you were searching for. Escape from a marriage that wasn't working, and looking for anything to replace it.d
I found that the problem was me, that even though things change, it was me that had to get a different look at my life.
I'm pulling for you. You can make it.
RBM
---
We only miss what could have been.
I know I don't miss what really was.
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11/11/2015, 8:57 am
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Miss7
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Re: After!
It is getting easier. Most of the feelings I am having are frustration that I can't control the situation but I can control my own actions. I like where I am. I just don't want to lose this energy I have right now. But if and when I start to struggle I will just come back and write here. I will NOT send him any messages.
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11/12/2015, 2:08 pm
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Lalafalala
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Re: After!
Yay! Sounds like you've turned a corner.
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11/17/2015, 11:20 pm
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Miss7
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Re: After!
Still here! Yes, I hope so! I know that I will always have feelings for him. I just will. I can live with it. Maybe part of it is drama, needing this 'larger than life' experience. Who knows - but, I have to stay the course. It is hard but I know so well that I need to do this for me, for him.
Ugh! It hurts! But it hurts more to reach out to him and not get the reaction that exactly matches my fantasies. Somehow, we get really convinced by the one-sided pictures in our head, don't we? We think that if we feel this way, they must too. If we think of them hard enough and imagine it, it will happen.
Damnit. Something I imagined for years did come true - he finally messaged ME again and gave the attention I wanted from him, and I got to be near him again. And now he is gone again. It is hard this time but at the same token, easier to just stop bothering him already. Why he had to come back like that and rock my world and leave as quickly as he came, I don't know. I want to ask him that but I won't.
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11/18/2015, 2:03 pm
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Lalafalala
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Re: After!
Oh yeah, those fantasies are dangerous!!! They seem so innocent, but then they really do replace reality, even for the most rational people, I think. It sounds like you're making a lot of progress in understanding why the A meant so much to you. It's kind of nice to know that while the AP does have attractive qualities, that a lot of the pull was things in our own head, and not necessarily stemming from him being the most amazing man ever lol.
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11/20/2015, 7:00 pm
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