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4kate4 Profile
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Registered: 02-2013
Posts: 150
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posticon Hi old friends!




Hi Guys , I hope you are all doing well I thought I would check in after a long detox. I miss you all but NEEDED to distance myself for a while.

Recap: I had a 2 year affair in which XAP and I were possibly together 5- 6 days a week . In the last year of the A- I believe we actually were together 3-5 hours a day. We went to lunch every day and the gym and then to his home. We got along very very well and talked about marriage at one point. Many lies were made up to spend nights together... His wife worked full time, he was religious figure coupled with counselor. I was a pretty much stay at home mom with children in school, giving us an entire day to be together. (his children are grown and live in another state) . First A for both of us (and LAST ). He bought me great gifts and took me places most days. I'm going over all of this-- to let you know JUST HOW MUCH we were together. There were not "unreturned calls" or "ignored texts" , basically aside from being completely MORALLY wrong.. the A was a comfortable and fun time. HOWEVER----
The pain of lying and deceiving coupled with TORTURE OF JEALOUSY began to eat at us both..we were even jealous of FRIENDS who spent time with the other.. at this point we began to work at no contact.. which seemed to fail for about 6 months. MANY MANY ''talks'' of "we got to end this" .. sleepless nights , insomnia , crying at home.. etc. At one point xap said to me. 'i've spent my entire life trying to keep families together and i cant belive i almost tore 2 apart''.

We eventually did it. The physical A ended August 2013 (2 years after it started) the communication continued about 1 call or so x every month for another year. I made a final call to him November 2014 and he last texted me December 4 " we can do this , no more texting". My last call (dec 4) was to ask him to stop going to a mutual hairdresser, as she was the only friend i've told of the A and it killed me everytime i went to her. We talked on that call for about a half hour and HE agreed that he would do whatever it took to stop me from hurting. (side note: hairdresser asked 'wonder why he quit coming to me'.. me: "huh he did?") He also told me his responsability here was up in a few months and that he would be moving to another state where his sons and daughter live, as he was now a grandpa and felt it was the best move he could make.
This was great news to me because now there was no chance of running into him. Sad, but necessary.

So i've officially been no contact for ONE YEAR and he has lived in another state since June of this year. I'll think of him forever but the torture is gone.

I wanted to share with all the new ones on here. It really helps to be no contact. The pain the deep seeded pain does go away. I 'll never forget him and I dont have bad feelings toward him, possibly because he never embarrassed me , stood me up, yelled at me, ignored me etc.. It was just wrong, and we both knew it.

I promise you , you are so much more than the A. I could never have believed it would have such a hold on me. It did.

I also wanted to say, I dont necessarily believe there was anything wrong or missing from my marriage. I'm done banging my head about that one. I love my husband, i find him extremely attractive, we dont argue, and we have similar goals. I "LIKE" being with him. PERIOD. Ive decided it was just plain and simple.. something new that caught my eye. I've always picked the best boyfriends, and friends. So I did the same with an AP. A nice guy and a nice girl were in the correct place at the correct time for an A. If i call him bad i have to call me bad.
The detox consisted of sleep loss(think 45 minutes a night for 2 nights then 5 hours, then back to 45 min..) , anxiety, sobbing, acne, weight loss, so much. Then it slowly started lifting...
I'm sleeping again. My skin has cleared up. I'm listening to my children. I've started goals. Saving more money, my weight lifting has skyrocketed. I've been told by several people 'you must be the fittest woman in this gym'..

so, new goals , new mindset. and I"M SLEEPING! I promise No contact is the answer. Make new friends.. get prettier, get stronger, get smarter, clean your house. Get rid of junk. Hug your children Every day.

funny, I wanted to share, XAP once told me in seminary the professor said (many years ago) ''men, if a woman warms your heart--- SELL YOUR HOUSE, QUIT YOUR JOB, MOVE" because its a addiction you NEVER want to let take hold. he said, 'i cant believe the lesson i've learned'.. So all of you here please know if i can do it YOU CAN TOO!!! love to all of you and hope for strength!

xoxo
kate

---
Gratitude turns everything into ENOUGH.
12/14/2015, 1:22 pm Link to this post Email 4kate4   PM 4kate4 Blog
 
RatherBeMe Profile
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Registered: 01-2013
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Re: Hi old friends!


I'm happy for you.

---
We only miss what could have been.
I know I don't miss what really was.
12/14/2015, 6:12 pm Link to this post Email RatherBeMe   PM RatherBeMe Blog
 
whatwasithinking15 Profile
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Registered: 07-2015
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Re: Hi old friends!


I can relate. The person I was with was a chaplain and I have been NC since mid July.
12/14/2015, 9:41 pm Link to this post Email whatwasithinking15   PM whatwasithinking15 Blog
 
dancingthelie Profile
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Registered: 05-2013
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Re: Hi old friends!


4kate4. What a wonderful heartfelt post!! You took the time to recount all this for others and I am so glad that you have found that NC is the only way forward. As we know it hurts like hell but its necessary because as long as there is contact a little light is left burning.

We all have differing levels of affairs but yours I can see "was true love" but was the wrong place and wrong time scenario. Like you I don't have any anger towards my XAP. We both rowed the boat together. We were both adults and in the end it takes one of us to find the strength to say "enough is enough". For those reading this yes we are 1 year, 2 years on etc However, here's the thing or even 2 things. Is it right to sacrifice yourself to go into a relationship crying. Crying for the devastation that you left behind? Crying for the family you left behind? You can only truly go if you are going in this relationship feeling that it is the totally right thing to do. Any doubts mean that its wrong. Secondly, there are only two outcomes from Affairs. They either end or you both leave your current partner(s) and make a new relationship together. Statistically the success rate of these relationships is low.

Well done you for being tough and strong!! We can do this!!

With Xmas looming its gonna be tough for us all...But we can do this!!

Last edited by dancingthelie, 12/16/2015, 5:42 am
12/16/2015, 5:41 am Link to this post Email dancingthelie   PM dancingthelie Blog
 
Clairbear Profile
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Registered: 02-2013
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Re: Hi old friends!


Nice to hear from you, 4kate4! I remember you...a while back on EAS.

I'm glad you are back on solid ground, and thanks for coming back and giving others hope that they can be as well.

((hugs))
Clarity

---
"Your mind is a garden, your thoughts are the seeds. You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds."
12/30/2015, 6:35 pm Link to this post Email Clairbear   PM Clairbear Blog
 


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